[Her brow furrows. She wouldn't have wanted to believe her brother would ever do such a thing, but - she would have wanted to believe the things that her best friend says to her. Even now, she struggles with wanting to believe him; it's so hard not to just say you wouldn't lie to me, even though she knows he'd kept his silence for years upon years in the heavens.]
...I know you wouldn't have said something like that without a reason.
[But - he's right. It would take her time to accept.
(He must know from experience, though - words alone could have convinced her of what her brother had done. Shi Wudu hadn't been there, the first time he'd heard of his deeds. "Whether I'm ill, you should know best!" he'd screamed. "I'm very aware. I've never been so aware in my life!"
She doesn't know that. Maybe she'll never know it, now. Just by coming here, has that fate been changed?)
Her expression drops, and she looks down at the ground.
Why the Reverend of Empty Words truly left you...]
[ Finally, he turns, crossing his arm and leaning back against the counter to look at her. It's a closed off position, but also observant in a way, too, as he watches her process through the half-truth. He Xuan doesn't know what he's doing, truthfully, or why he's doing it - what good comes out of feeding her information in his favor?
What good will come from helping her change their fates, when it could very well wipe him out of the three realms and replace him with something else? What good will it do, in the face of his revenge? Hundreds of years of planning, and no regret for Shi Wudu's eventual fate, never to be reborn, but - ]
No. And Shi Wudu, [ his voice drops a little, bitter still, a better explanation for why he reacted the way he did with Qingxuan's memory ] Is not why I'm here, either.
[ - but something about him regrets Shi Qingxuan's fall. Her suffering, in the crossfire. The same part of him that'd snarled I've given you chances!, that wanted her to turn away, to keep her fate, even when she knew the truth. ]
There's still so much about that memory that she doesn't understand. She wants to - she wants to understand what led them to that point. Her brother's actions had started it, but... that place, the chains, those urns on the altar behind him, when he'd knocked Shi Wudu down -
"And who in my family has sinned?" he'd asked, in the memory. "Who in my family deserved death?"
And then, while looking directly at her - him -
"Go on. Tell me. Are you willing?"
A life for a life? But, no. That can't be right. She'd said she was willing (To die? Was he asking if she was willing to die, or was it something else? From the context, she'd assume that...), but when her brother had tried to take her life, he'd stopped him.
Why?
What was he asking her if she was willing to do, if not to die...?
Without thinking about it, her hand comes up to her throat, again, fingertips resting briefly against where her brother had been gripping so tightly in He Xuan's memory.]
...I don't know what it is that you came here for. [She keeps her head bowed.] But I meant it, when I said that... I want to help you get what you wanted.
[...]
It won't change what my brother did to you. I - I know that, I know it won't.
["They're not my best friends, though. You are."
"So you say. I still haven't agreed to this."
She cannot bring herself to raise her head.]
...but I'll help you, while we're here. However I can.
[And after...
Well, that's a bridge they'll cross when they come to it. But she's said it repeatedly, over the last few weeks - you have to take responsibility for the things you do.
Shi Wudu may be her brother, but that applies to him, too.]
[ Something bitter settles at the back of his throat like bile, and He Xuan thinks about her - him - begging, pleading, doing anything to stop him from killing Shi Wudu. Agreeing to give up that life that had been lavished in, in exchange for the misery that He Xuan had gone through. Anything to make up for what Shi Wudu had done.
That isn't a responsibility that most would take on, and yet here Shi Qingxuan is. Even now, without knowing everything. Even now, feeling something like shame, regret, anger, fear. Even now, facing down one of the Supreme ghosts, one that had been in their midst for so long, had been her friend.
He closes his eyes, for a moment. Five hundred years of suffering, but also.
"You just - you are." ]
... I don't get you, sometimes. [ An echo, and he - means it, the same as he did the last time he said it. ] But I guess I don't get myself, either.
[ No move to come closer, nothing to bridge the distance. Except he stands on the very edge of it, uncertain, turning over what he wants to say, until the words weigh heavy on his tongue with that bitter taste. ]
Your brother took everything from me, and gave it all to you. I lost count of how many nights I would find myself sleepless because of that thing's constant reminders of my fate, my family's.
But - when you found out that he had twisted fate, forged your ascension, you... [ His brow furrows a little, an echo of the inability to understand her, the open heart, the constant companionship. Ming-xiong is my best friend! ] ... you gave up your godhood. It was already lost, when that memory happened.
[ A breath that a ghost might not even need.
And then, the real surprise, out of all of this: ]
[Her head snaps up at that, and her eyes are wide, her expression open in its shock.]
What? But—
[The thing is, she believes him. Immediately, wholeheartedly, because while she's been thinking all of this over - she's decided. Shi Wudu needs to admit what he's done and take responsibility for it, but she can't just keep benefitting off of He Xuan's suffering either. Even if there's no changing what happened, she certainly can't keep going on as if she doesn't know.
She wasn't the one who changed their fates, but she... even if she wants to be the best god she can be, she was never supposed to be one.
Not really.
Even now, she's already going over what she has to do. She can't give it up right away - if her brother won't listen to her, she might need whatever power she has to make him listen - but eventually, she's going to have to leave the heavens, won't she? And she can't just leave it with the power of a god.
The thought of a cursed shackle is a little terrifying, but a banishment into the mortal realm would be the very least that they deserve for what happened. Perhaps it's even too kind, but it's the first thing she can think of. Surely the Heavenly Emperor wouldn't refuse? He's banished people for less.
And how many times has she heard, "You're strange for a god," or "You're not what I expected of a god," or "Are you sure you're really a god?" since she came here? Even people not from their world could tell.
But - she remembers something that someone else had said, too, when they'd been talking about motivations for coming here. When she'd admitted that she didn't know why He Xuan was here.
"Or maybe it's about you?"
"About me? I'd doubt that..."]
You're here because... of me?
Edited (dont perceive my html fuckups) 2021-03-02 05:20 (UTC)
[ She really gets to the heart of things, when it matters, doesn't she?
He Xuan doesn't flinch away or try to run, and instead stays where he is, leaning against the counter with his arms still crossed. But he watches her, takes in her reactions as she works through his explanations and her sudden clarity to everything.
And he can see, when Qingxuan believes him. Miserably but not, after 557 years in the three realms, he knows her better than he's ever known anyone else. Nevermind having watched her make her decisions, as the reality of the cold, hard truth started to unravel to her - even if he came into this blind, from the same time as her, he knows. He knows her.
But this part is uncomfortable to admit. He didn't even know if he would truly use it, once he got his hands on it, whatever it was in the end. Wasn't sure if he'd give it to her or not. After all, he'd already seen the state that she'd wound up in - it's easy to creep in the shadows of the capitol, where everyone turns a blind eye to the beggars and the damned. That is, after all, how it was so, so easy to get the madmen he'd collected to Black Water Isle.
He Xuan looks back at her, stoic as he always has been - but there's a pinch to the corners of his eyes, the line of his mouth. Uncertainty, vulnerability. ]
She doesn't understand why he'd do that for her, not really. He's her best friend, even now - it's not like she can just shake off years upon years of thinking of him that way. But she can't think of a time where he's ever said that she's his best friend.
(Not that she can blame him, knowing what she knows now.
Honestly, the fact that he put up with her company at all, knowing what her brother did, knowing that she was only there because of what he'd lost, is astounding in hindsight.)
She realizes that her fingertips are still at her throat, and closes her hand into a fist, slowly lowering it to her side.]
[ His planning, the moment he could. Their time together, the moment that Qingxuan latched onto him. Did he have moments where he hated every second of it? Of course he did. The miserable reminder every day that this person had stolen his fate, flourished under it, undeserving of it as someone that would never have ascended beyond the station of a middle official. Sometimes, he still thinks of the things he could have done if he was the one who ascended. ]
I wanted revenge for five hundred years. For the deaths of my loved ones, for the failings that I faced, for the rejections and missed opportunities, for what stolen from me. The two years I starved, with only the Reverend for company.
[ Slowly, He Xuan uncrosses his arms and braces his hands on the counter behind him, on either side of his hips, watching her. ]
And yet, for five hundred years, there you were. It was infuriating. [ ... ] More infuriating that you found something, somewhere - some damn crack, and started to seep through it.
[ And something warm grew there, in a place that had been barren for years. ]
She's sorry for the suffering he's experienced - suffering that, by all rights, should have been hers. She's sorry for the fact that she was so damn weak that her brother was driven to do what he did. She's sorry for his family, lost in exchange for her own wretched life.
(Four lives - no, five - in exchange for one? She's not worth that. She knows she's not. Even just comparing the two of them, his life for hers, she's not worth that.
He may remember it - her reaction upon learning Scholar He's story, in Fu Gu. She hasn't learned it yet, but the sentiment is still there.
Compared to this man...)
But she isn't sorry for reaching out to him. She isn't sorry for calling him her friend. Even if he'd been hiding in plain sight, planning his revenge, that wasn't all fake, was it? Ming-xiong is my best friend, she'd said so many times before, and...
...he's not Ming Yi, but he's who she was thinking of.
He's always who she's thought of.
Gods, but she really doesn't know how to say this to him.]
[ That should probably be scathing, but after 500 years... after weeks of not knowing what to do with his misery, even with the distraction of Mt. Tonglu rumbling again... after weeks here, in this place, where almost every one of his major despair indulgences have related to her... it's quiet, an admission.
He's just tired, in a way. He was asked what happened to the killing intent, the violence in his heart, and it's still there. An unsatisfied beast, but a broken down one. It felt good to end Shi Wudu's life, to grant him failure that he had known so much of, himself, to put the fear into him of Black Water Sinking Ships as he had deserved for all those 500 years.
(Qingxuan going to him for help, egging him into doing things with her. Whining and bullying him. Getting him to change his form to match her, getting him to drink with her, just spending time together. You're my best friend, sincere and bright, heartfelt. The smile just like hers, even if the laugh is different, even if the personality is different - the kindheartedness isn't. The sincerity isn't. Her reaction to learning about his story, in Fu Gu. Her reaction to learning who he was, even through the fear.)
(He Xuan could never come out of this without being irrevocably damaged, too.) ]
[He's who he is, and she's who she is; they are who they are.
It's complicated, tangled up in more than five hundred years of suffering and deception and misery and complete and utter obliviousness, but in a way, maybe it can also be that simple? Or at least - during the time they're here, anyway.
Shi Wudu isn't here. There's no Heavenly Calamity hanging over his head, no reason for her to try and solve her problems in secret, behind his back. She can't go running to him to demand answers, now that she knows, and that's probably a good thing; she's never dealt well with injustice, and this is the most unjust thing she can possibly imagine.
They can... they can work it out.]
We've got time.
[Do they, though?
Well - much of the group had rallied around the man they knew as Ming Yi at the trial, this weekend, to prove him innocent. Whether it's for her sake or for his, it seems they're both well-liked enough to have the group's protection, for now.
She hesitates for just a moment, and reaches out her hand to him.]
...we can figure it out, can't we? Maybe not right away, but... [For however many more weeks, or months, that they'll be here...] We can figure it out together.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[Her brow furrows. She wouldn't have wanted to believe her brother would ever do such a thing, but - she would have wanted to believe the things that her best friend says to her. Even now, she struggles with wanting to believe him; it's so hard not to just say you wouldn't lie to me, even though she knows he'd kept his silence for years upon years in the heavens.]
...I know you wouldn't have said something like that without a reason.
[But - he's right. It would take her time to accept.
(He must know from experience, though - words alone could have convinced her of what her brother had done. Shi Wudu hadn't been there, the first time he'd heard of his deeds. "Whether I'm ill, you should know best!" he'd screamed. "I'm very aware. I've never been so aware in my life!"
She doesn't know that. Maybe she'll never know it, now. Just by coming here, has that fate been changed?)
Her expression drops, and she looks down at the ground.
Why the Reverend of Empty Words truly left you...]
...is that... why you're here?
no subject
What good will come from helping her change their fates, when it could very well wipe him out of the three realms and replace him with something else? What good will it do, in the face of his revenge? Hundreds of years of planning, and no regret for Shi Wudu's eventual fate, never to be reborn, but - ]
No. And Shi Wudu, [ his voice drops a little, bitter still, a better explanation for why he reacted the way he did with Qingxuan's memory ] Is not why I'm here, either.
[ - but something about him regrets Shi Qingxuan's fall. Her suffering, in the crossfire. The same part of him that'd snarled I've given you chances!, that wanted her to turn away, to keep her fate, even when she knew the truth. ]
no subject
There's still so much about that memory that she doesn't understand. She wants to - she wants to understand what led them to that point. Her brother's actions had started it, but... that place, the chains, those urns on the altar behind him, when he'd knocked Shi Wudu down -
"And who in my family has sinned?" he'd asked, in the memory. "Who in my family deserved death?"
And then, while looking directly at her - him -
"Go on. Tell me. Are you willing?"
A life for a life? But, no. That can't be right. She'd said she was willing (To die? Was he asking if she was willing to die, or was it something else? From the context, she'd assume that...), but when her brother had tried to take her life, he'd stopped him.
Why?
What was he asking her if she was willing to do, if not to die...?
Without thinking about it, her hand comes up to her throat, again, fingertips resting briefly against where her brother had been gripping so tightly in He Xuan's memory.]
...I don't know what it is that you came here for. [She keeps her head bowed.] But I meant it, when I said that... I want to help you get what you wanted.
[...]
It won't change what my brother did to you. I - I know that, I know it won't.
["They're not my best friends, though. You are."
"So you say. I still haven't agreed to this."
She cannot bring herself to raise her head.]
...but I'll help you, while we're here. However I can.
[And after...
Well, that's a bridge they'll cross when they come to it. But she's said it repeatedly, over the last few weeks - you have to take responsibility for the things you do.
Shi Wudu may be her brother, but that applies to him, too.]
no subject
That isn't a responsibility that most would take on, and yet here Shi Qingxuan is. Even now, without knowing everything. Even now, feeling something like shame, regret, anger, fear. Even now, facing down one of the Supreme ghosts, one that had been in their midst for so long, had been her friend.
He closes his eyes, for a moment. Five hundred years of suffering, but also.
"You just - you are." ]
... I don't get you, sometimes. [ An echo, and he - means it, the same as he did the last time he said it. ] But I guess I don't get myself, either.
[ No move to come closer, nothing to bridge the distance. Except he stands on the very edge of it, uncertain, turning over what he wants to say, until the words weigh heavy on his tongue with that bitter taste. ]
Your brother took everything from me, and gave it all to you. I lost count of how many nights I would find myself sleepless because of that thing's constant reminders of my fate, my family's.
But - when you found out that he had twisted fate, forged your ascension, you... [ His brow furrows a little, an echo of the inability to understand her, the open heart, the constant companionship. Ming-xiong is my best friend! ] ... you gave up your godhood. It was already lost, when that memory happened.
[ A breath that a ghost might not even need.
And then, the real surprise, out of all of this: ]
... that's why I'm here.
no subject
What? But—
[The thing is, she believes him. Immediately, wholeheartedly, because while she's been thinking all of this over - she's decided. Shi Wudu needs to admit what he's done and take responsibility for it, but she can't just keep benefitting off of He Xuan's suffering either. Even if there's no changing what happened, she certainly can't keep going on as if she doesn't know.
She wasn't the one who changed their fates, but she... even if she wants to be the best god she can be, she was never supposed to be one.
Not really.
Even now, she's already going over what she has to do. She can't give it up right away - if her brother won't listen to her, she might need whatever power she has to make him listen - but eventually, she's going to have to leave the heavens, won't she? And she can't just leave it with the power of a god.
The thought of a cursed shackle is a little terrifying, but a banishment into the mortal realm would be the very least that they deserve for what happened. Perhaps it's even too kind, but it's the first thing she can think of. Surely the Heavenly Emperor wouldn't refuse? He's banished people for less.
And how many times has she heard, "You're strange for a god," or "You're not what I expected of a god," or "Are you sure you're really a god?" since she came here? Even people not from their world could tell.
But - she remembers something that someone else had said, too, when they'd been talking about motivations for coming here. When she'd admitted that she didn't know why He Xuan was here.
"Or maybe it's about you?"
"About me? I'd doubt that..."]
You're here because... of me?
no subject
He Xuan doesn't flinch away or try to run, and instead stays where he is, leaning against the counter with his arms still crossed. But he watches her, takes in her reactions as she works through his explanations and her sudden clarity to everything.
And he can see, when Qingxuan believes him. Miserably but not, after 557 years in the three realms, he knows her better than he's ever known anyone else. Nevermind having watched her make her decisions, as the reality of the cold, hard truth started to unravel to her - even if he came into this blind, from the same time as her, he knows. He knows her.
But this part is uncomfortable to admit. He didn't even know if he would truly use it, once he got his hands on it, whatever it was in the end. Wasn't sure if he'd give it to her or not. After all, he'd already seen the state that she'd wound up in - it's easy to creep in the shadows of the capitol, where everyone turns a blind eye to the beggars and the damned. That is, after all, how it was so, so easy to get the madmen he'd collected to Black Water Isle.
He Xuan looks back at her, stoic as he always has been - but there's a pinch to the corners of his eyes, the line of his mouth. Uncertainty, vulnerability. ]
Yes.
no subject
She doesn't understand why he'd do that for her, not really. He's her best friend, even now - it's not like she can just shake off years upon years of thinking of him that way. But she can't think of a time where he's ever said that she's his best friend.
(Not that she can blame him, knowing what she knows now.
Honestly, the fact that he put up with her company at all, knowing what her brother did, knowing that she was only there because of what he'd lost, is astounding in hindsight.)
She realizes that her fingertips are still at her throat, and closes her hand into a fist, slowly lowering it to her side.]
But...
[...for once, he's got her at a loss for words.]
no subject
[ His planning, the moment he could. Their time together, the moment that Qingxuan latched onto him. Did he have moments where he hated every second of it? Of course he did. The miserable reminder every day that this person had stolen his fate, flourished under it, undeserving of it as someone that would never have ascended beyond the station of a middle official. Sometimes, he still thinks of the things he could have done if he was the one who ascended. ]
I wanted revenge for five hundred years. For the deaths of my loved ones, for the failings that I faced, for the rejections and missed opportunities, for what stolen from me. The two years I starved, with only the Reverend for company.
[ Slowly, He Xuan uncrosses his arms and braces his hands on the counter behind him, on either side of his hips, watching her. ]
And yet, for five hundred years, there you were. It was infuriating. [ ... ] More infuriating that you found something, somewhere - some damn crack, and started to seep through it.
[ And something warm grew there, in a place that had been barren for years. ]
no subject
[...sorry?
She's not sorry, though. Not entirely.
She's sorry for the suffering he's experienced - suffering that, by all rights, should have been hers. She's sorry for the fact that she was so damn weak that her brother was driven to do what he did. She's sorry for his family, lost in exchange for her own wretched life.
(Four lives - no, five - in exchange for one? She's not worth that. She knows she's not. Even just comparing the two of them, his life for hers, she's not worth that.
He may remember it - her reaction upon learning Scholar He's story, in Fu Gu. She hasn't learned it yet, but the sentiment is still there.
Compared to this man...)
But she isn't sorry for reaching out to him. She isn't sorry for calling him her friend. Even if he'd been hiding in plain sight, planning his revenge, that wasn't all fake, was it? Ming-xiong is my best friend, she'd said so many times before, and...
...he's not Ming Yi, but he's who she was thinking of.
He's always who she's thought of.
Gods, but she really doesn't know how to say this to him.]
no subject
[ That should probably be scathing, but after 500 years... after weeks of not knowing what to do with his misery, even with the distraction of Mt. Tonglu rumbling again... after weeks here, in this place, where almost every one of his major despair indulgences have related to her... it's quiet, an admission.
He's just tired, in a way. He was asked what happened to the killing intent, the violence in his heart, and it's still there. An unsatisfied beast, but a broken down one. It felt good to end Shi Wudu's life, to grant him failure that he had known so much of, himself, to put the fear into him of Black Water Sinking Ships as he had deserved for all those 500 years.
(Qingxuan going to him for help, egging him into doing things with her. Whining and bullying him. Getting him to change his form to match her, getting him to drink with her, just spending time together. You're my best friend, sincere and bright, heartfelt. The smile just like hers, even if the laugh is different, even if the personality is different - the kindheartedness isn't. The sincerity isn't. Her reaction to learning about his story, in Fu Gu. Her reaction to learning who he was, even through the fear.)
(He Xuan could never come out of this without being irrevocably damaged, too.) ]
I don't know what to do with this, either.
no subject
It's complicated, tangled up in more than five hundred years of suffering and deception and misery and complete and utter obliviousness, but in a way, maybe it can also be that simple? Or at least - during the time they're here, anyway.
Shi Wudu isn't here. There's no Heavenly Calamity hanging over his head, no reason for her to try and solve her problems in secret, behind his back. She can't go running to him to demand answers, now that she knows, and that's probably a good thing; she's never dealt well with injustice, and this is the most unjust thing she can possibly imagine.
They can... they can work it out.]
We've got time.
[Do they, though?
Well - much of the group had rallied around the man they knew as Ming Yi at the trial, this weekend, to prove him innocent. Whether it's for her sake or for his, it seems they're both well-liked enough to have the group's protection, for now.
She hesitates for just a moment, and reaches out her hand to him.]
...we can figure it out, can't we? Maybe not right away, but... [For however many more weeks, or months, that they'll be here...] We can figure it out together.